The Wrong Man

Do you find yourself always attracted to, “The wrong man?” We may call them bad boys or emotionally unavailable men, and if you have this pattern you will probably become aware of it. It’s tiring having your heart broken over and over again! Now that you’ve realized it, what can you do about it?

You may need to reprogram your nervous system! It’s not easy, but it’s possible if you’re determined to do it. 

Somewhere along the way, you learned to equate love with fear, pain, betrayal, etc. What you need now is a safe person. Love is not possible without safety and respect. Attraction, lust, and flings are possible, so it helps to get clear about what you’re looking for (there’s nothing wrong with a hot fling sometimes!) But if it’s love you’re looking for, you’re only going to find it with a person who is safe, consistent, respectful, and most likely securely attached. (Note: it is possible for 2 insecurely attached people to find love, but difficult as you can imagine. This can be covered more later.)

You are not going to be attracted to this type of person! At least not at first. If your blueprint is bad boys, you are attracted to cues of unsafety on a deep, unconscious level. The nervous system equates this fear with sexual arousal. The first step out of this conditioned pattern is to meet a safe person and continue to give them a chance. The arousal that can grow out of a safe connection is a slow burn, different from the flash in the pan intensity you’re used to (usually followed by abandonment, which makes it addicting.)

Changing your attachment style is uncomfortable, but the slow burn is worth it. Not to mention you can actually build a life outside of the bedroom with this kind of person, rather than episodic intimacy followed by mostly dysfunction.